The periodic newsletter of the New World Bloodbowl League

Second Heat Comes to Brutal Conclusion

The second heat of the NWL Season One had a number of brutal games. A record number of casualties were inflicted. Presently the Deathrow Posse, Darktower Slayers, and Backwata Bashas are tied at 6 casualties each. These teams had their opponents on the ropes with power plays. It looks like all of the coaches are anxious to add a few second stringers to their rosters. Some teams, have added a buffering second string. This is especially true of the Backwata Bashas, who has enjoyed record earnings thus far.

The Game That Was Not

New World Times
OP-ED
Staff sports writer: Hostile Howie Cosell

Blood, broken bones, unruly fans, and the occasional death. These are elements that make Blood Bowl such an exciting and passionate game. You know the game, that epic struggle to place an inflated pig into the opponent's end zone. Do it more than your opponent, and you are victorious.

Earlier this week we witnessed a vicious game between the Dark Tower Slayers and the Harbingers of Doom. In typical Orky fashion, the Dark Tower Slayers manhandled, and dominated their opponent so that they were able to score their two touchdowns nearly uncontested. While painful for some to watch, Dark Tower played in a manner that was expected.

Last night Blood Bowl fans were eagerly anticipating the match up between the Bashas and their opponent, The Blackwing Bombers. Both teams were going into the match with a 0-1 record, and neither wanted to leave 0-2. That is not how a team wants to start out a season. The game promised to be both exciting and passionate. Both teams would need to make adjustments in order to end the game with a victory.

Enter Coach Gorch Head Splitta and his Backwater Bashas. In their previous game vs. the Tombstone Terrors, the Bashas had a difficult time moving the ball. They did manage to score a touchdown, but that was not enough, in spite of the fact that their opponent is not known for its speed or ball handling ability. This sports fan was curious to see how the Bashers would react to the faster and more agile Bombers. Their solution was to ignore the ball! It seems that the ball is merely a distraction to whatever game they are playing anyway.

Allow me to recap in case you missed it or were too stoned on Bloodweiser to have noticed. In the first half, the Bombers received the ball, and while the Bashas line unleashed an orgy of violence upon the Bombers line, the Bombers ball carrier ran across the field unmolested to score a touchdown. To be more specific, he was ignored.

When the Bashas received the ball, Meany picked up the ball and stood in place for the remainder of the half, during which the Bashas line continued to pummel the Bombers. The Bashas received the ball at the opening of the second half. One would assume that going into the second half down one point, the Bashas would need to pick up the tempo in regards to moving the ball in order to score a victory. Meany, again picked up the ball, and made his way toward the line in a most lethargic manner. I can only presume to get a better view of the carnage his team mates were administering to their opponent, to the point where they were forced to forfeit the game in fear of not being able to field a team for the remainder of the season! I am surprised he didn't lay down on the pitch with the ball as a pillow as he watched in glee what was unfolding before him. This was not a game; it was a melee, an ambush, and a travesty to the sanctity of the game! I would expect this from the Deathrow Posse, whose roster is made up of convicted murderers and rapists waiting for execution. (The reader may recall my opposition to their inclusion to the league.)

As I stated in the beginning of the column, Blood Bowl is the struggle to get the ball into the opponent's end zone. The rest is a result of that struggle. Coach Gorch has taken the game in a new direction in which the score does not matter, only the battle of attrition.

I must formally protest this most unsportsman like conduct, and I can only hope the fans will lend their voices to mine. I however doubt they will ever come out of their Bloodweiser stupor long enough to give a shit.

Editors note: While we at the New World Times enjoy Hostile Howie Cosell's colorful and often controversial commentary, his views do not necessarily reflect those of the Times. I will add that Howie will be taking a short leave of absence, so please forward your death threats and mail bombs to his residence at 2266 Bloodweiser Blvd., New World City.

Reprinted By Permission From The New World Times.

The Game That Was Waargh!

Dark Citadel Sentinel
OP-ED
Staff sports writer: Ugrik Blackheart aka Ugrik da Ugly

As I read Hostile Howie's latest rant from the pulpit of purity, I felt the Waargh grip me for a moment. Sour grapes from Howie, I say. I guess that's why he's hostile. Is this the same man who sat on the NWL Committee?

Maybe I missed something, but is not beating the foe into utter submission part of the game? I thought we just did not want to have Big Uns do it for us! Saturday's game was a beautiful example of the melding of Waargh into a tactically sound bashing. Maybe it was a bad decision not to run the ball. But any decision leading to victory cannot be so bad. Maybe Meany was given his name for a reason. It is, after all, a joy to watch professionals in action. One can hardly blame their enthusiasm for drubbing an Elf or two. It is both natural and in fine keeping with the Waargh in all stout Ork breasts to do so!

I say Hostile Howie Cosell has his wires crossed and he is weak! I say woe to all who are swept away by the Waargh of the Ork. The game is played to win and coach Gorch won! The Backwata Bashas were sighted for no fouls and did note take the fallen for the dinner table. They played by the rules and soundly drubbed their foe. Incidentally earning some of the best Cabalvision Ratings to date. I say pound your fist and drink Bloodweiser proudly, because a good drubbing is part of what Blood Bowl is all about.

Editors Note: We at the Dark Citadel Sentinel encourage you to make your opinion clear to Hostile Howie Cosell, New World City.

Reprinted By Permission From The Dark Citadel Sentinel.

The information presented here is fictional. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.